Playing Good Golf

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Next time, you should, as a good dinner party hostess, stick to dishes you know well, rather than trying something difficult, new or exotic.

I can heartily recommend “Cooking for Mingers”, the latest Delia offering.

I would suggest tatties and mince – that old scottish favourite for days when the chippy is closed due to vandalism.

Make sure you use real lard to cook the mince, and to avoid lumps, simply leave the tatties whole, in their skins, and with a generous amount of manure still attached (a l’irlandais). I know I said nothing exotic, but there is a large Irish population in the West of Scotland, and their culinary influence is extensive, like indian cooking in England. Serve with neep surprise . Again, cook the neep whole, and serve al dente, so if anyone makes smart remarks about your cooking, you can rip their head off and replace it with the neep. If it is after pub closing time in Paisley, it could be weeks before anyone notices. Ideally, you should offer scottish oatcakes as an hors d’oevre – but do call it a starter, as local pronunciation, and a lack of familiarity with French may lead your guests to think you are serving horses dubrees. For our transatlantic cousins, dubrees are exactly what you fear I meant. If you run out of oatcakes, you could lift sections of carpet tile and serve them – no one will notice the difference.
Another social faux pas that you should avoid next time, is not having a fourth guest. I would suggest the procurator fiscal, as that would help if the evening deteriorates into violence (Or Big Shuggie, the delivery man from Netto would do – what he lacks in social conversation, he makes up for in discount vouchers for the cooked meat counter). Talking of alcohol-induced violence, please give some thought to the drinks needed to complement your meal. I would recommend an aperitif of White lightening cider, or special brew, for the discerning guest. For the main course, you can’t beat a robust bottle of Thunderbird to cut through the taste of burnt lard. And for pudding (and here I recommend breaking with the tradition of serving fried mars bars – be adventurous and serve snickers instead, although be careful your guests don’t have a nut allergy) …….where was I? Ah yes, for pudding wine a couple of pints of Buckfast Abbey wine in a mug provide a wine to complement your dessert. If your guests have a particular aversion to drinking grapes trodden by papist monks, because they are of the ultra-protestant “wee-free” persuasion, simply tear the labels off, and pretend you have made the wine yourself from leftover neeps. They’ll never know.

Social success – the Paisley way. Ye canna beat it.

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